I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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