I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
