If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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