I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize