I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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