There was a lot of him and a little penis
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
