we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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