The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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