Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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