3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
