you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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