i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
BRING THE BAGELS
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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