Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
