Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
