I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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