If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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