Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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