exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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