really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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