I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize