remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
