my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
