She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
