So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
