I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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