I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
