Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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