My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize