Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
