Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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