We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
