Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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