I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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