i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
