Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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