this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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