So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
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