Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
