After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
