while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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