I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
