I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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