gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
