she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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