god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
