Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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