this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
