I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
