if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
