Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
