i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
