We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
