I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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