I cockslap morals
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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